The Riddle of Democracy
Why not have some fun with elections?
I am in my mid 30's, and most of my friends are in their 20s. Younger friends make me feel young from the heart. My heart is energetic at 20, my body is lazy at 36, and both are battling each other constantly. Like I am enthusiastic enough to tweet against the government but lazy enough to skip the voting. Wait, this has nothing to do with age; this is a typical Indian middle-class mentality. Let me put it this way - I am energetic enough to watch porn and get horny but lazy enough to masturbate. I gave this example because people are more interested in masturbation than elections. No wonder democracy in India is a western concept, and Kamasutra is the most incredible teaching of India to the world. But the thing about me and masturbation is sometimes, after an intense session, I feel like, "Why the hell did I waste my time and energy for this shit?" It is also like elections. Every time after electing a government, you are like, "Why the hell did I waste my time and energy on this shit?" Sometimes after masturbation, I feel like, "I shouldn't have done this; I was better off before." Again it is like elections. After electing a new govt and seeing it ruining the economy, you are like, "I shouldn't have done this; I was better off before." Right now, you all are thinking, Oh, in every election in India's future, we all do a samuhik hastamaithun.
We love to talk about politics and every other issue. There are no jobs, the internet is free, and we have nothing to do. After the emergence of social media, we have seen Political experts mushrooming on every platform. My favorite kind of speaker is the tribe called "I pay tax ." Have you seen them? They are too many for comfort. For every argument, they have this lethal weapon called "I am right because I pay tax."
rajthesexking@gmail.com pays tax and wants a Bharat Ratna for it. He is an engineer because India has more engineering colleges than hospitals. He is a software engineer because TCS has more job openings than India's population. He has a bullet – thanks to the HDFC bike loan. Has a beard because – Kabir Singh. He hates women – because why not? No girl has ever dated him despite having the most precious magical thing in the universe called a penis. He thinks he is among the world's chosen few who have been given this supreme responsibility to carry a penis. Every day he gets bullied by his boss but thinks himself a winner because he trolls Swara Bhasker on Twitter. Only achievement in life he gets a salary.
"Those who pay tax should only vote," Tweets rajthesexking@gmail.com. Let us end the discussion here and now. When you buy candy or a condom, you pay tax. We all pay taxes, so all should vote. That's what precisely happens. But these brilliant socio-economic-political analysts think the country is running from its TDS. As if ISRO is planning the next Mars Mission, Dr. Ramaswamy comes to the office one day and tells his team, "Sorry guys, we have to delay the project. We are running short of budget because rajthesexking@gmail.com has not received his salary. TDS has not been deducted from his salary. So for that whopping 789.78/- we have to drop our 600 crore mars mission."
The most important thing is these types of people are electing the govt. And in a democracy, electing a government is hard, but governing a country is easy. It is as easy as running a Twitter account. What do you do on Twitter when someone bothers you? You block them. Same with ruling a country. If someone bothers you with questions, block them in jail. Sometimes I wonder whether we elect a PM or a Social media group admin. The secret to governing a country is that you don't need to govern it. You just need to manage social media, news channels, and law enforcement agencies well. And here you go, you have the UN-certified, 5-star google rating, the best government of your country in history. If someone disagrees, send them to Pakistan, Somalia, Cambodia, or whichever country is trending that month. The old saying "if you can't make it fake it," The new phrase of democracy, "If you can't govern it, just blame it." Blame it on the past government or Neanderthals.
You must be thinking I am against democracy, and I am all for dictatorship. No, never. Democracy is the best form of governance. It is just that in India, we have tried it for 75 years, and it did not work well. We failed at electing leaders, so I have a plan to make it enjoyable if not successful. We have 1.3 billion people and increasing every day. Though we ran out of oxygen, we will never run out of the population. Let's choose a new PM every day by lottery. Put the name of all the 1.3 billion people in a box. Every day one random name will be picked up, and they will be the PM of India for one day. Imagine the thrill
Monday – Ratan Tata
Tuesday – Katrina Kaif
Wednesday – Mukesh Ambani (disqualified – because you have run the country for too long)
Thursday – Raghuram Rajan
Friday – Azeem Premji
Saturday – Suresh Bewda !!!!
Imagine it is Saturday, and Suresh Bewda is our Prime Minister. Imagine Suresh doing his own Man ki Baat on Saturday night. He will make more sense. Suresh will advise on life-saving issues, like how to make a perfect peg or where to get Old Monk at 3 am. He may bring a law abolishing the cruel Dry Days. If he announces a lockdown, liquor shops will be in essential services. We will call this entire lottery process, Democracy by Chance ---- or simply India.
No matter how great this plan sounds, it has a significant loophole - What if on Sunday we pick rajthesexking@gmail.com?